im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
