I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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