On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
