You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
