so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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