Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
