I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
