a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
