answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
