I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize