apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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