Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
this just has baby written all over it
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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