So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just want nice things and good sex
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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