I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize