found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
