i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
