During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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