I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
