i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
