WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
