I met the friendliest cop last night
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
