No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
