I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i think i just lost a toe
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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