You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She's the barista slut.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize