I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
