Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
