I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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