ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
