My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
