Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
