Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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