Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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