i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
