my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize