Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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