I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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