When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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