Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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