i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
