I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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