i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
