mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize