toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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