I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
