My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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