Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
