And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
