apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
