I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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