I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
