Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
