im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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