If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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