He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you had me at cake vodka
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
