i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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