You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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