mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
