All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
