Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
