I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Quick, to the slutcave!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
