it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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