I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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