I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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